Desolate

My loneliness of late is raging within. It has surged through my body and is welling up as tears behind my eyes. I desire companionship but alas my love is plagued with illness and I cannot bear to see his weak and weary stature. I seek out others yet all they crave is the sin of flesh, male or female, it makes no difference to that of which they desire. I have my pride and my morals, sadly. I feel so isolated from the world. I do not feel as though I belong to my family, though I have always been somewhat of a black sheep. I have a minimal amount of friends and those I do have are not the type who are close to anyone, as my type of people tend to be a tadbit insane. My isolation is mostly my own, though my nature is still upset by this.

Regret, Remorse, and Regurgitation

Today is just one of those days when I just don't feel good. It feels like I'm going to be okay and then WHAM!!! something hits me hard. It could be physical because I do genuinely feel sick to my stomach. I could be emotional, because my psyche likes to play games with me and I start to read into things that aren't there. It could be spiritually, my dreams have been intense lately and I have had prophetic dreams before. It could be a combination of all of that because I am a worrier and being that I am a Pisces, thusly a dreamer, makes this a whole lot more intense than it needs to be. I seriously am in a horrid condition. I am nauseous, dizzy, stuffed nose, headache that is intensifying, and exhausted.  I am lonely, paranoid, and dangerously close to tears to add to my physical disgust.

I miss my boyfriend but at the same time he is sick too and I don't want to share what I have with him and vice versa because we are not sick with the same symptoms. Not to mention, I get the feeling that not all is well with he and I and when I mention it he makes me feel better, but then when he is gone the feeling comes back with a vengeance and makes me more paranoid than before. Thats without the dreams adding to this strife. I have nightmares about him leaving, about us fighting and him saying some awful things, about him being paranoid and making up tremendous lies based on innocent things or little information. I have seen me and him each die in my dreams in so many horrible ways. I have seen the births and deaths of countless of our children, from perfect in everyone to crippled, disabled, deaf, blind, stillbirth, serial killer... the list is dramatic enough.

Working today. I was holding 2 month old Sophie in my arms and I was all alone in the house. Just me, her, and a 2 year old. Its what I have always wanted. A boy and a girl, close in age. Me, home alone, taking care of them. The only difference is what I want is for them to be mine and in this scenario they are the kids I nanny for. Anyways. I was holding Sophie. Carson is asleep. I about broke down crying. I was so scared to be alone with a baby. What if something happened? Then I felt like an absolute failure. I have watched kids before, been through classes and experiences from school, family, friends, camp, daycare, preschool, neighbors... etc. Yet I was so terrified. All I ever wanted was to be a mommy and today I stood there, with a simulation of my greatest goal and I turned pale and thought I would die. What does that say about the 'motherly instinct' we woman all supposedly have. Obviously, it means I have none. That my one hope, the only wish I've kept my entire life is never meant to be. I have failed the little girl I used to be that begged for a baby sister, and played house til in her teens. Failed my future husband and the kids I would one day have all because I am too spineless to be alone with an infant.

I don't know what this means for me now. Do I live out my life as a spinster? Do I just give up my dream of having a baby? Will the fear ever go away? Even being terrified my desire still rang out. Do I thrive off of being upset? Something has to be wrong with me.Well atleast this rant solved one of my discomforts... I vented enough to be able to cry. FML.

Angel

You gave my despair wings and it flew off, leaving me in this happy glow. The hope its departure gave me was ruined by your arrows of anger, which shot the wings your so graciously gave and brought the sorrow crashing down around me. Darkness falls with my shattered dreams and envelops me, whisking everything away. No glimmer of light, no glances of hope, no flurry of movement, no hints of sound. Not even monsters plague this lonely place. I have come to terms with my solitude, don't come crawling back to me. Even I have my pride.

Update

So here is my life right now in a nutshell. I have moved into my grandmothers spider infested  basement to get away from my father.  I am currently contemplating moving in with my boyfriend, as well as disowning my uncle for throwing me out of his house and for overall being more selfish, hypocritical, and rude, than the rest of the family put together (trust me this is a difficult feat in my family). I have had a shit-tastic few weeks from losing a stable job, fighting with family, being sick, money issues, and of course the stress of work and school. That is where I currently stand. Yay!

Yay!!! A Rant!

Ok, so I know that this is nothing new considering I only get on here to rant but still! I am in such a bad mood today. My computers battery is shot and has been for months. When we first got the computer my one requirement was a good battery life, which I didn't get. So now I can't have my computer unplugged for ten minutes without it dying, but of course the warranty is up. Also, its my fault. It doesn't matter that the paperwork was under my dads name and therefore Best Buy wouldn't do anything about it. It doesn't matter that I didn't want this damn computer to begin with. It doesn't matter that I tried to work it out with them, or that my dad promised to fix it, or that I was told it expires 6/20/2011 and really it was 5/20/2011. Its my fault because we couldn't get it fixed because I "procrastinated too long, like always and per your usual never listen to me [dad]". Why is it that I'm always seen as worthless? No matter what I do he always finds some way to bitch me out.

First it was me getting a job, so I found one. Then I worked too much and never spent time with the family, so I scaled back my hours. Then it was "why don't you have any money?", so I got a good paying job. Which started the "your never home" crap as well as the "your school is suffering" in addition to the "we just want you to be doing something you love". So finally I quit that job. Which leads to "you are lazy and don't contribute to the household" and "now that you aren't working you should add extra hours at school, it would help you apply yourself" So I added an extra day at school to get them off my back as well as have an addition 10 hours I could spend out of the house. I have also started doing extra things around the house. My room is always clean, I do the dishes daily, I clean 1/3 bathrooms in the house weekly,I take out the garbage when its full (or else I ask Josh to do it) and the recycling when it has more than a few things in the pile, I help with dinner and laundry and driving, not to mention I sporadically clean my sisters bathroom and will vacuum and dust when I see it needing to be done, plus I keep contact with my dads family so they sit there and annoy me rather than annoy my family. I go to the family events because then the extended family doesn't call my parents up and bother them, thus putting them into a bad mood that will affect me and bug. I am a good daughter. I do what I am asked when I am asked just because I have been beaten and I hate being yelled at, yet I am still always in trouble for something. I sometimes wish Bug got into trouble too, but its not fair for her to have to deal with this shit, plus I don't think she could handle it.

Someone help me deal with this. Please. I just can't stand it. That is without going into school, or my dating life, or my utter contempt for wanting to even go on any more. I am so close to just being done with anything and everything. I can't take it! and the next person to ask me "How soon are you done with school?" is getting punched, even if it is Grandma. Just so you all know I DON'T KNOW! happy? Im not going anywhere in school or in life. I am stuck in freaking stalemate and I hate it. I can't move forward or progress. I'm stuck in hell. Did I die and no one bothered informing me? Am I literally in hell and just have yet to be informed that this is in fact pergatory? Oh and if this is hell what did I do to deserve this?

May

Ok, so today my cousins Amber and Brandon had their baby. She was 3 months early due to complications and only weighs a pound and a scarce few ounces. Both baby (IreLynn May) and her mommy are doing fine and recovering. IreLynn will be in the NICU for a while but overall this is turning out better than we hoped. Today was definitely interested. Not only was my depression bad the last few days but one of my 'friends' decided that a discussion about religion was going to cheer me up (it didn't) and subsequently he and I are no longer friends. Fine, whatever, his lose not mine. Not going to say that it didn't hurt a bit and that I am not extremely irritated at the way the situation was handled. On the plus side I love my best friend Josh. He and I went out shopping today. Got a few new pieces of clothing (shirts, shorts, belts). Josh actually got a kick ass new jersey which he was hella excited about. It was fun to be able to go out and wander the mall. Goof around and annoy store workers =D. As someone who has worked retail I know its wrong to annoy the workers but its just so gosh dang fun!!! My headaches/migraines are still chilling here but I'm dealing with them as best as I can. School is dragging on and on but I'm practicing which I hope in turn means I will be improving. I have started watching my cousin Adante on Fridays to give my Granny a break as well as to earn myself some cash since I'm not working. I watched him a few days ago and we did really well.... I thought. Later that same night I babysat for my neighbor, who still owes me money. THAT MEANS YOU RACHEL! lol I spent my entire day on Friday babysitting. This Friday I'm watching my cousin and then going to help with Silent Weekend for the high schools. It should be fun... atleast I really hope it is! Alright off to bed for me because I have to be out of the house and on my way to school in about 6 hours. Yippee skippee! haha TTFN blog followers

Catching Up

I have been nerding out recently meaning that I kinda spaced on updating my blog. I am back. While on WoW I met this really adorable guy and he and I have been chatting and such =D. I love being a nerd, actually I love it so much I started spending time a Game Haven, a local shop that allows geeks to go and hang out there as well as to buy games and better their game hand. I am learning to play Yu Gi Oh for Josh and Magic for Dillon. Yes, my friends are geeks too! Yet, I LOVE THEM!!! lol This is really my only update on life. I have been hanging out and gaming. Dad freaked out once again on Sunday (Easter) at mom, KayDee, and me. I dunno what to do about that whole thing. Some of my friends (Asa and Josh M) think that I should just move out and assert my independence and then eventually confront him... what do you all think? Ugh anyways. I'm going to bed. Sorry for the short post guys.

One of those days.

I am really struggling today. All week I've woken with a migraine. Whether thats due to stress, or the lack of sleep, or something entirely separate I'm not sure... I just want it to go away. Today is particularly hard because of the dreams I had last night. I had an all night type of dream so woke up exhausted. In my dream I got engaged  to a great guy and we planned and then had our wedding. We were married for some time and I became pregnant. All of this is wonderful. In my dream I had a little girl (in all my dreams I have a little girl first, I don't know if thats because I will have a girl first or if I just want a girl first) and she was gorgeous, but something was wrong from the start. As it turns out my child had a defect and was given only a 10% chance to live past 2 years old. As my husband and I cried and tried to console one another my best friend (who in real life is not speaking to me) called and I explained everything to her. I am her daughters god mother so in theory if she and her husband died I would get her daughter. Not even 2 weeks later she and her husband offered to take my husband to the airport because he was leaving for a week for work and I was at home with our little girl plus their daughter. On the way to the airport they were in a car wreck and all died. I was now completely alone with these two beautiful and wonderful girls, trying to take care of them. As the dream continues I struggle to explain why mommy and daddy arent coming back while taking care of my sick child. To no avail. My daughter died shortly scarce of 9 months old. I never loved again, never had another marriage or child. I raised my god daughter as if she were my own. When I awoke I broke down, an utter and complete mess. I do not want my friends to die. I do not wish to lose my child. I don't see my god daughter in real life anymore because I have annoyed her mother. I miss that little girl. I miss watching Toy Story with her and tickling her to make her giggle. I miss the way she said my name and her sense of humor. I miss hugging her and watching her sleep. I miss her beauty and her smile... Today is a struggle.

GRRRRR

I am so beyond frustrated with my father today. Back story: we don't get along. When I was born he wasn't there and I wasn't the boy the doctor promised so there is insta disappointment. I did sports but apparently nothing I do is good enough. I was passing school with a 3.7 gpa and yet I didn't try hard enough but my sister can *FAIL* English and he says nothing, only tells my mom that she is being too harsh for grounding my sister. UGH! I don't know what it is about me that just rubs him the wrong way. Maybe its because I am not the girl he expects. Maybe its just because he prefers my sister and as she and I are pretty close to polar opposites he and I butt heads frequently. I used to think that it was the guys I hung out with but I still hang with the same type of people and he claims to love them. He actually texts them. I think he just wants to get rid of me. Since I'm no longer working he asks me to do chores but then bitches about the way I do them. Then he gives my mother or sister credit when I did it. I think the worst was the other day I did the dishes twice, was keeping up on laundry, my room was clean (including bed made and vacuumed), and I had made dinner. My friend came over and he and I were just hanging and my father turns to my mother and says "the house looks awesome and dinner tastes great." to which she replies "i know, but Lex did it" his response? "No need to give her credit when its obvious she doesn't know how to work this hard"  I finally understand why my mother drinks. In fact I think I could use one right about now.
Today he was on one again and I don't know why. In my house, it is a rule that I am up and moving before 10:30 am. Last night I was at my cousins wedding and as we arrived at home I got a call to babysit, it was an emergency. So I changed and was there watching the kid until after 1 am. I get home and to bed approximately 2, though no actually asleep til closer to 3:30. He texts me at 10 am and tells me my ass has been in bed too long and that I need to get up. Knowing that it will get me into trouble to not, I drag myself to the couch and pass out there, due to limited sleep and a migraine. Somehow its ok for me to sleep in the living room but not in my bedroom. Riddle me that Batman?! Anyways. My mother and father leave for a family gathering and I am assigned to finish laundry. I do laundry, dishes, clean the living room, and clean my room. Yet when they get home and I leave for a date I get bitched at for A) not having dinner with the family B) doing the laundry wrong (apparently i set it to run longer than it needed) and C) spending too much time with my friends. So I got out and when I get home there is no internet. I'm 20. The internet is my life. Not an exaggeration! He had unplugged it. When I ask why he claims that someone is stealing our internet. HUH?! Not possible. When I explain what IS happenening he told me it was untrue but I could hook it back up if i really wanted. I am so beyond frustrated with that man. I need out of this fucking house and soon. I think I found the motivation I need to work really hard at school! Ok, going to kill things in video games now to blow off more steam!

SIGH

Attention Ladies and Gents: *big long drawn out exasperated SIGH* That is all!
 Just kidding, but seriously *sigh*. I don't understand. I really and truly don't. If what people say is generally a lie then when someone tells you something and they cry is it genuine or are they just fucking (pardon) with your mind? One of my teachers at school swears that she can read people and after talking to them for 5 minutes can tell you if they have good or bad intentions and how things inevitably will turn out. I need that ability!! I would love to chat with someone and before our conversation is too dull I would know 'You are crazy and will end up stalking me' or 'You are going to rape me' or 'You and I will get along well' or even just 'Being in the general vicinity of you will not make me wish I had stabbed myself'. I used to believe that I would like to be able to read peoples minds. I have since rethought that because I do NOT want peoples opinions all the time. I don't want to know that the guy I am on a date with is thinking about another woman. It is unnecessary for me to know the calorie count of everything you ate for the past 3 days. Plus, there is a plethora~ specific word use. YES I REFERENCE YOU IN MY BLOG ~ of things that cannot be unseen. *shudder* The horror of walking in on your grandparents having sex in the kitchen would haunt you forever.... Your welcome for the imagery I just placed in your cerebral cortex =D!!!
Quickly I am going to list the people I have talked with this week and maybe you will all realize exactly why it is that I have a blog to rant in:
People I have talked with more than once this week: 
*Note: List is not placed in order of who I like best, just who popped into my head first.

• Josh Robles
• Dillon Pope
• Janet Rowland (mom)
• Mike Rowland (dad)
• KayDee Rowland (sister)
• Asa Latour
• Kyle Hughes
• Josh McCashland
• Scott Mommer
• Zach Breen

My list is funny to me for one reason alone. All of these people are on my Top Ten Favorites List on my phone. Wow, just wow. In that week I have only seen half of them in person, my life is becoming more and more pitiful. BTW, hope you all don't care that you are being referenced in my blog. If you have problems with it, please let me know and I will remove and keep note for future reference. Not that it matters because I guarantee 4 of them have no idea this exists. The rest of you, I am honest enough with that it doesn't matter. This further proves my last post, all my friends are guys. This list has 2 females on it and I live with and share a last name with them both! *sigh* I'm starting to think that is my life's theme right now. *sigh*
THATS IT! I'm officially renaming this post., not that you guys would know the difference as you didnt see the original name but hey! This is my blog and I will rant and rave and ramble like a lunatic if it pleases me and it just so happens that it does. Actually thats kinda the point of this whole thing =D=D
Ok, done with my spewing of crazy thoughts for now. *applause*
Atleast one of you just had the mental thought of "a round of applause" you know who you are and I LOVE YOU!

That Male 'Species'

There are some days when I just want to give up and become a lesbian. Seriously, is it even worth it? I want to date because I like going out and experiencing things and I enjoy hanging with people. Plus I get along better with guys than I do with girls. I'm not sure why really... girls have always just annoyed me, they are so much drama. Guys are less complicated, well not really but they are complicated in different ways. Not saying that I hate girls or anything.... I'm ranmbling. I have always been one of the boys. On my street as a child there were two boys a year older and two girls a year younger, but no one my age. I usually chose the boys. When I was 12 we moved and there were five boys my age on the street. If I was meant to be girly they would have been girls haha. Don't get me wrong. I am still totally a girl and even know how to dress like one. (minus the hair and makeup doing abilities) I am aware that looking and acting like one is actually fun, particularly around the guys, I swear sometimes they forget that I'm not male.

I am very much a girl when it comes to my thoughts... I over think about *everything*. I constantly run 'what if...?' scenarios in my mind. Its a curse really. I would make it stop if I could, but I can't. I want a family. I have always wanted that fairy tale of getting married and having kids and some pets. I want the house in the suburbs and the week nights spent driving to and from practice for the various extra curricular activities. I realize that its not going to be easy but it truly is something that I want. I envy my friends that have that, though I wouldn't want to be married and have a baby or babies at 20. Yet I'm still insanely envious of them. Gah! Must be a girl thing. I think what sucks the most is that I want this so much and yet I know to get that I have to date and dating sucks monkey butts! I like dating, I like guys, I like being liked and going out. However something always goes wrong. He drops off the face of the earth, or sex becomes an issue, or I let him know how uber crazy I really am and he runs away. *long exasperated sigh* I guess if its meant to happen it will. Maybe I just haven't met the right guy. I know that I am plenty young and have time but I don't want to date around just to date, I want to date to find out if thats the person I want to marry. Ugh... done with this thought process. Going to bed. Night blog followers. (or maybe I'll go mess around on facebook)

Sleep

I haven't been sleeping well. Its a shame really. I quit my job and I'm single so my sole purpose is school and yet I can't seem to manage to get a decent nights sleep so that I can function well at school. I awake almost every night in sweat and tears due to my newest horrific nightmare. I wrote this tonight:
'I woke up to whispering surrounding my bed,
 drowsy enough that I can't distinguish what is real and what is in my head.
 My nightmare has followed me to wakefulness,
 only God can deter myself from causing more mess.
Bless me Giver of Life with knowledge and power,
 else strike me down before the world I devour.'
I don't know why it came to me, or what exactly it means but the words hit me very profoundly so I wrote them down. These night terrors are plaguing me. Once when I was little I had a recurring nightmare. Even now I get it once in a while and even though I KNOW the answer and I KNOW what will happen, some part of me is still scared of my childhood dream. Its hard for me to admit that I don't have all the answers. I like being right... its a nice feeling. Maybe this is an omen. These dreams are telling me something. Maybe once I either figure it out or whatever its foretelling comes to pass then I can sleep once more. Maybe not, only time can tell.

So it begins

I don't know what happened or why I feel the driving urge to do things differently lately but I have.  I decided today that a blog would be a good way to release what is on my mind and for those brave enough to read this then go for it.  I titled this 'Written Insanity' because all the thoughts that are jumbled around in my head may come spewing out and make little to no sense, so *fair warning*.

 Lately I have been really disconnected with most of the people in my life being that I was so focused on a select few and I really regret that and have been trying to get out more recently. I love my friends and want to spend time with them. I really wish all my friends could see how much of an effort I'm making.  I turned 20 a few weeks ago and quit my job about the same time. Just before that I experienced a very painful parting of ways with the guy I was dating and while we remain friends, my heart still aches because of that loss. Love sucks. Really, truly... it just sucks. Yet I am infatuated with it. I want to be loved and I want to love others. I like the feeling of intimacy and knowing that someone cares about me. I love my friends but I want to experience a true love at some point. I hope I know when I find it for real because every time I think I'm close something proves me wrong, usually the guy himself. Sigh.

Upcoming tomorrow:
*School filled with my first 'Test' where it is a simulation of the test I have to complete for state certification.
*Interview for a nanny position (the youngest son is hard of hearing and requires sign. exciting!)
*Hang with Dillon and Brady?
Busy day tomorrow, must sleep. Will update what is happening as I know. G'night.