One of those days.

I am really struggling today. All week I've woken with a migraine. Whether thats due to stress, or the lack of sleep, or something entirely separate I'm not sure... I just want it to go away. Today is particularly hard because of the dreams I had last night. I had an all night type of dream so woke up exhausted. In my dream I got engaged  to a great guy and we planned and then had our wedding. We were married for some time and I became pregnant. All of this is wonderful. In my dream I had a little girl (in all my dreams I have a little girl first, I don't know if thats because I will have a girl first or if I just want a girl first) and she was gorgeous, but something was wrong from the start. As it turns out my child had a defect and was given only a 10% chance to live past 2 years old. As my husband and I cried and tried to console one another my best friend (who in real life is not speaking to me) called and I explained everything to her. I am her daughters god mother so in theory if she and her husband died I would get her daughter. Not even 2 weeks later she and her husband offered to take my husband to the airport because he was leaving for a week for work and I was at home with our little girl plus their daughter. On the way to the airport they were in a car wreck and all died. I was now completely alone with these two beautiful and wonderful girls, trying to take care of them. As the dream continues I struggle to explain why mommy and daddy arent coming back while taking care of my sick child. To no avail. My daughter died shortly scarce of 9 months old. I never loved again, never had another marriage or child. I raised my god daughter as if she were my own. When I awoke I broke down, an utter and complete mess. I do not want my friends to die. I do not wish to lose my child. I don't see my god daughter in real life anymore because I have annoyed her mother. I miss that little girl. I miss watching Toy Story with her and tickling her to make her giggle. I miss the way she said my name and her sense of humor. I miss hugging her and watching her sleep. I miss her beauty and her smile... Today is a struggle.