Desolate

My loneliness of late is raging within. It has surged through my body and is welling up as tears behind my eyes. I desire companionship but alas my love is plagued with illness and I cannot bear to see his weak and weary stature. I seek out others yet all they crave is the sin of flesh, male or female, it makes no difference to that of which they desire. I have my pride and my morals, sadly. I feel so isolated from the world. I do not feel as though I belong to my family, though I have always been somewhat of a black sheep. I have a minimal amount of friends and those I do have are not the type who are close to anyone, as my type of people tend to be a tadbit insane. My isolation is mostly my own, though my nature is still upset by this.

Regret, Remorse, and Regurgitation

Today is just one of those days when I just don't feel good. It feels like I'm going to be okay and then WHAM!!! something hits me hard. It could be physical because I do genuinely feel sick to my stomach. I could be emotional, because my psyche likes to play games with me and I start to read into things that aren't there. It could be spiritually, my dreams have been intense lately and I have had prophetic dreams before. It could be a combination of all of that because I am a worrier and being that I am a Pisces, thusly a dreamer, makes this a whole lot more intense than it needs to be. I seriously am in a horrid condition. I am nauseous, dizzy, stuffed nose, headache that is intensifying, and exhausted.  I am lonely, paranoid, and dangerously close to tears to add to my physical disgust.

I miss my boyfriend but at the same time he is sick too and I don't want to share what I have with him and vice versa because we are not sick with the same symptoms. Not to mention, I get the feeling that not all is well with he and I and when I mention it he makes me feel better, but then when he is gone the feeling comes back with a vengeance and makes me more paranoid than before. Thats without the dreams adding to this strife. I have nightmares about him leaving, about us fighting and him saying some awful things, about him being paranoid and making up tremendous lies based on innocent things or little information. I have seen me and him each die in my dreams in so many horrible ways. I have seen the births and deaths of countless of our children, from perfect in everyone to crippled, disabled, deaf, blind, stillbirth, serial killer... the list is dramatic enough.

Working today. I was holding 2 month old Sophie in my arms and I was all alone in the house. Just me, her, and a 2 year old. Its what I have always wanted. A boy and a girl, close in age. Me, home alone, taking care of them. The only difference is what I want is for them to be mine and in this scenario they are the kids I nanny for. Anyways. I was holding Sophie. Carson is asleep. I about broke down crying. I was so scared to be alone with a baby. What if something happened? Then I felt like an absolute failure. I have watched kids before, been through classes and experiences from school, family, friends, camp, daycare, preschool, neighbors... etc. Yet I was so terrified. All I ever wanted was to be a mommy and today I stood there, with a simulation of my greatest goal and I turned pale and thought I would die. What does that say about the 'motherly instinct' we woman all supposedly have. Obviously, it means I have none. That my one hope, the only wish I've kept my entire life is never meant to be. I have failed the little girl I used to be that begged for a baby sister, and played house til in her teens. Failed my future husband and the kids I would one day have all because I am too spineless to be alone with an infant.

I don't know what this means for me now. Do I live out my life as a spinster? Do I just give up my dream of having a baby? Will the fear ever go away? Even being terrified my desire still rang out. Do I thrive off of being upset? Something has to be wrong with me.Well atleast this rant solved one of my discomforts... I vented enough to be able to cry. FML.

Angel

You gave my despair wings and it flew off, leaving me in this happy glow. The hope its departure gave me was ruined by your arrows of anger, which shot the wings your so graciously gave and brought the sorrow crashing down around me. Darkness falls with my shattered dreams and envelops me, whisking everything away. No glimmer of light, no glances of hope, no flurry of movement, no hints of sound. Not even monsters plague this lonely place. I have come to terms with my solitude, don't come crawling back to me. Even I have my pride.

Update

So here is my life right now in a nutshell. I have moved into my grandmothers spider infested  basement to get away from my father.  I am currently contemplating moving in with my boyfriend, as well as disowning my uncle for throwing me out of his house and for overall being more selfish, hypocritical, and rude, than the rest of the family put together (trust me this is a difficult feat in my family). I have had a shit-tastic few weeks from losing a stable job, fighting with family, being sick, money issues, and of course the stress of work and school. That is where I currently stand. Yay!

Yay!!! A Rant!

Ok, so I know that this is nothing new considering I only get on here to rant but still! I am in such a bad mood today. My computers battery is shot and has been for months. When we first got the computer my one requirement was a good battery life, which I didn't get. So now I can't have my computer unplugged for ten minutes without it dying, but of course the warranty is up. Also, its my fault. It doesn't matter that the paperwork was under my dads name and therefore Best Buy wouldn't do anything about it. It doesn't matter that I didn't want this damn computer to begin with. It doesn't matter that I tried to work it out with them, or that my dad promised to fix it, or that I was told it expires 6/20/2011 and really it was 5/20/2011. Its my fault because we couldn't get it fixed because I "procrastinated too long, like always and per your usual never listen to me [dad]". Why is it that I'm always seen as worthless? No matter what I do he always finds some way to bitch me out.

First it was me getting a job, so I found one. Then I worked too much and never spent time with the family, so I scaled back my hours. Then it was "why don't you have any money?", so I got a good paying job. Which started the "your never home" crap as well as the "your school is suffering" in addition to the "we just want you to be doing something you love". So finally I quit that job. Which leads to "you are lazy and don't contribute to the household" and "now that you aren't working you should add extra hours at school, it would help you apply yourself" So I added an extra day at school to get them off my back as well as have an addition 10 hours I could spend out of the house. I have also started doing extra things around the house. My room is always clean, I do the dishes daily, I clean 1/3 bathrooms in the house weekly,I take out the garbage when its full (or else I ask Josh to do it) and the recycling when it has more than a few things in the pile, I help with dinner and laundry and driving, not to mention I sporadically clean my sisters bathroom and will vacuum and dust when I see it needing to be done, plus I keep contact with my dads family so they sit there and annoy me rather than annoy my family. I go to the family events because then the extended family doesn't call my parents up and bother them, thus putting them into a bad mood that will affect me and bug. I am a good daughter. I do what I am asked when I am asked just because I have been beaten and I hate being yelled at, yet I am still always in trouble for something. I sometimes wish Bug got into trouble too, but its not fair for her to have to deal with this shit, plus I don't think she could handle it.

Someone help me deal with this. Please. I just can't stand it. That is without going into school, or my dating life, or my utter contempt for wanting to even go on any more. I am so close to just being done with anything and everything. I can't take it! and the next person to ask me "How soon are you done with school?" is getting punched, even if it is Grandma. Just so you all know I DON'T KNOW! happy? Im not going anywhere in school or in life. I am stuck in freaking stalemate and I hate it. I can't move forward or progress. I'm stuck in hell. Did I die and no one bothered informing me? Am I literally in hell and just have yet to be informed that this is in fact pergatory? Oh and if this is hell what did I do to deserve this?

May

Ok, so today my cousins Amber and Brandon had their baby. She was 3 months early due to complications and only weighs a pound and a scarce few ounces. Both baby (IreLynn May) and her mommy are doing fine and recovering. IreLynn will be in the NICU for a while but overall this is turning out better than we hoped. Today was definitely interested. Not only was my depression bad the last few days but one of my 'friends' decided that a discussion about religion was going to cheer me up (it didn't) and subsequently he and I are no longer friends. Fine, whatever, his lose not mine. Not going to say that it didn't hurt a bit and that I am not extremely irritated at the way the situation was handled. On the plus side I love my best friend Josh. He and I went out shopping today. Got a few new pieces of clothing (shirts, shorts, belts). Josh actually got a kick ass new jersey which he was hella excited about. It was fun to be able to go out and wander the mall. Goof around and annoy store workers =D. As someone who has worked retail I know its wrong to annoy the workers but its just so gosh dang fun!!! My headaches/migraines are still chilling here but I'm dealing with them as best as I can. School is dragging on and on but I'm practicing which I hope in turn means I will be improving. I have started watching my cousin Adante on Fridays to give my Granny a break as well as to earn myself some cash since I'm not working. I watched him a few days ago and we did really well.... I thought. Later that same night I babysat for my neighbor, who still owes me money. THAT MEANS YOU RACHEL! lol I spent my entire day on Friday babysitting. This Friday I'm watching my cousin and then going to help with Silent Weekend for the high schools. It should be fun... atleast I really hope it is! Alright off to bed for me because I have to be out of the house and on my way to school in about 6 hours. Yippee skippee! haha TTFN blog followers

Catching Up

I have been nerding out recently meaning that I kinda spaced on updating my blog. I am back. While on WoW I met this really adorable guy and he and I have been chatting and such =D. I love being a nerd, actually I love it so much I started spending time a Game Haven, a local shop that allows geeks to go and hang out there as well as to buy games and better their game hand. I am learning to play Yu Gi Oh for Josh and Magic for Dillon. Yes, my friends are geeks too! Yet, I LOVE THEM!!! lol This is really my only update on life. I have been hanging out and gaming. Dad freaked out once again on Sunday (Easter) at mom, KayDee, and me. I dunno what to do about that whole thing. Some of my friends (Asa and Josh M) think that I should just move out and assert my independence and then eventually confront him... what do you all think? Ugh anyways. I'm going to bed. Sorry for the short post guys.