Today is just one of those days when I just don't feel good. It feels like I'm going to be okay and then WHAM!!! something hits me hard. It could be physical because I do genuinely feel sick to my stomach. I could be emotional, because my psyche likes to play games with me and I start to read into things that aren't there. It could be spiritually, my dreams have been intense lately and I have had prophetic dreams before. It could be a combination of all of that because I am a worrier and being that I am a Pisces, thusly a dreamer, makes this a whole lot more intense than it needs to be. I seriously am in a horrid condition. I am nauseous, dizzy, stuffed nose, headache that is intensifying, and exhausted. I am lonely, paranoid, and dangerously close to tears to add to my physical disgust.
I miss my boyfriend but at the same time he is sick too and I don't want to share what I have with him and vice versa because we are not sick with the same symptoms. Not to mention, I get the feeling that not all is well with he and I and when I mention it he makes me feel better, but then when he is gone the feeling comes back with a vengeance and makes me more paranoid than before. Thats without the dreams adding to this strife. I have nightmares about him leaving, about us fighting and him saying some awful things, about him being paranoid and making up tremendous lies based on innocent things or little information. I have seen me and him each die in my dreams in so many horrible ways. I have seen the births and deaths of countless of our children, from perfect in everyone to crippled, disabled, deaf, blind, stillbirth, serial killer... the list is dramatic enough.
Working today. I was holding 2 month old Sophie in my arms and I was all alone in the house. Just me, her, and a 2 year old. Its what I have always wanted. A boy and a girl, close in age. Me, home alone, taking care of them. The only difference is what I want is for them to be mine and in this scenario they are the kids I nanny for. Anyways. I was holding Sophie. Carson is asleep. I about broke down crying. I was so scared to be alone with a baby. What if something happened? Then I felt like an absolute failure. I have watched kids before, been through classes and experiences from school, family, friends, camp, daycare, preschool, neighbors... etc. Yet I was so terrified. All I ever wanted was to be a mommy and today I stood there, with a simulation of my greatest goal and I turned pale and thought I would die. What does that say about the 'motherly instinct' we woman all supposedly have. Obviously, it means I have none. That my one hope, the only wish I've kept my entire life is never meant to be. I have failed the little girl I used to be that begged for a baby sister, and played house til in her teens. Failed my future husband and the kids I would one day have all because I am too spineless to be alone with an infant.
I don't know what this means for me now. Do I live out my life as a spinster? Do I just give up my dream of having a baby? Will the fear ever go away? Even being terrified my desire still rang out. Do I thrive off of being upset? Something has to be wrong with me.Well atleast this rant solved one of my discomforts... I vented enough to be able to cry. FML.
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